It was pie-noon as a horde of gastronauts descended upon Goddard’s hallowed dining halls for the thrilling and eventful final round of the 2023-4 season.

A mood of competitiveness was in the air as the feasting commenced. Ray Goldstone and Edward Mosse were ready to shore up their points with a belly-busting pie, mash and eel combo for their delectations.

Since Round 8, Harry Limby has been at pole position in the league and has enjoyed a comfortable lead over his rivals. However, with the stakes so high, how long would his confidence and appetite hold out for?

Meanwhile, Karen Ramos was rocking it with a snazzy floral print number, as she began to ‘spin’ the dishes on her edible turntable.

Due to the tight squeeze and a lack of available elbow room, your recorder found it difficult to shovel in the tucker.

Terry Moore ploughed down his usual 2&2 portion. The mash magnate has enjoyed a magnificent season, finishing off with a personal best at fourth place by the end of play.

The Harveys made their first appearance at a season finale, since their debut with the club in March 2011. Peter and Ace were keen to show off their prowess and appetites, with some generous portions on display.

We were graced by the loquacious presence of Len Wilcock who travelled down in his jam-jar (car) from his homestead for some culinary flair. By the end of the meal, he amassed an impressive 30 points, propelling himself nearly half-way up the league table.

Five and a half years have passed since six-times winner Richard Lucas last dined with us. Alas, his competitive days have long since passed, as he settled for a relatively paltry 1&1 - a world away from the days when he was known as ‘The Locust’.

Andy Saunders was in-between eating engagements as he had a barbecue to attend later that day. However, he had just enough time to consume a double portion of pies for his appetizer.

Joining him in the flashy t-shirt department was Alan Smith, back from his annual Winter migration in New Zealand. A nourishing portion of the ambrosial scoff was the ideal tonic to make him feel at home.

With the lunch hour edging closer to 2pm, the pressure started to build as the contenders endeavoured to rake in the points. Given the size and stodginess of Goddard’s goods, the challenge of clearing a competitive plate is considerable.

Greenwich local Yuri Nemkoff is a keen purveyor of the nutritious and health enhancing properties of jellied eels. He also recommends washing it down with a wholesome pint of real ale which adds zing to the meal.

Nick Evans gave his approval to Yuri’s dietary suggestions as he heartily tucked into a portion of jellies, which provides a suitable counterpoint to the steaminess of the pies.

They were accompanied at the table by a couple of Chinese tourists who had travelled down to Goddards, eager to try pie & mash for the very first time. They were alternating spoonfuls of ice cream with gravy-sodden savouries – more than enough to raise the hackles of any pie and mash purist.

After demolishing his first portion, Pete was eager to finish off his ascent to the summit of the league table, by ordering up another gargantuan 3-2-1 serving to add to his tally.

Meanwhile, Vikki Cole-Richardson contemplated the imposing topography of the fare that lay before her.

These pies are a force to be reckoned with, when consuming them in multiple pairs or more. It is the gastronomic equivalent of facing the final boss in an arcade video game.

The boys in blue chowed down on Goddard’s vast dessert trolley of classic favourites like Apple Crumble, Bread & Butter Pudding, Cherry Pie and Sticky Toffee Pudding, to name a few.

Having confidently polished off his first portion, Limby attempted a repeat 3-1-1 serving. However, panic took hold and sweat broke out as he saw Harvey thunder through his second plate. In vain Limby tore up the pies to cool them down, but in the process hit the dreaded food wall, thereby shredding his potential point tally.

The pie drama provided the greatest upset ever at a season final, eclipsing even the infamous bid of Richard Lucas to topple Nick Evans from the lead, with a failed attempt at 3 eels, 2 pies, 3 mash and 3 liquor back in May 2000.

After coming to terms with the earthshattering lunchtime events, statistician and webmaster grappled with the club’s complex positive-negative scoring system in order to determine the final scores and league standings of the 2023-4 season.

The club’s eclectic trophy cabinet was notably missing a prize, as Goldstone forgot to bring along the Bronze baby bib, so we had to improvise instead.

The lady from the west scooped up the newly minted Wooden Spoon MK3 award. Vikki unexpectedly tore up Ace’s season-long stronghold on the position, with a gloriously meagre average of 8 points over two meetings.

Due to his spectacular blunder at the dining table, Limby fell to third place. He valiantly put on a brave face as last year’s awardee Goldstone offered his commiserations by providing him with a bib for his troubles.

Second place is nowhere for the club’s recorder, having won the silver spoon for a second year in a row. Evans, who has earned the award on numerous occasions, was there at hand to show there’s no point crying over spilt liquor.

Last year’s champ was also present to award Peter Harvey with the coveted Realistic Clay Pies MK4 trophy. After thirteen years of attending club fixtures, Harvey’s success was well and truly deserved.

Hail the conquering hero.

Lucas gave me the unique chance to try out the iconic Mr Pound Tie, a fixture at nearly every season finale that he has attended since 1995.

Our thanks go to Steve, Jeff and the crew for dishing up hundreds of servings, and keeping the Goddards galleon afloat as they welcome aboard the thronging masses of weekend diners and scran seekers.

The Meridian Munchers put on their best smiles as they brazenly posed for a post-pie portrait.

The Plume of Feathers is a popular choice for our traditional end of term libation. Drinks and chatter carried on long into the afternoon, as we bade farewell to a remarkable season.

MG