These are scenes from the monster chowdown at Clark's of Exmouth Market on Friday 23rd May 2003. If you recall, the event was originally scheduled to take place at Goddard's of Greenwich a week before, but was postponed due to the untimely holiday closure of said establishment. So the fickle hand of fate led us back to Farringdon's finest eatery, and the arena for many previous, er, 'crunch' meetings.

As you can see from these action shots it was a heavyweight affair, and the slender 3-point advantage that your statistician held going in was summarily shattered and ground up like a miniature glass whimsy beneath the well-shod hoof of a shire.

The man in red prevailed with an awesome display of strength and depth — his game might be termed 'total digestion'. Victory was secured with a massive 44 points, composed chiefly of 6 portions of that highest-scoring and most expensive savoury, eels. This all-time record could prove to be something of a Bob Beamon that will torment pie-n-mashers for years to come. We can only hope that the close season has helped the replenishment of stocks of this gravely endangered species.

Last year's champ, Rich Lucas, had an ill-starred semester which saw him fall from contention through a tragic mixture of amnesia and wrong buses. However, the final was enlivened by his lustrous Mr. Pound Tie, which has become something of an institution at these events.

You will also note the presence of hot sauce which has recently become a regular condiment at the suggestion of Miss Jones — though it remains a below-the-counter item.

Hostilities were laid to rest with the final dessert spoon and, full of camaraderie digestive, we bid our fond farewells to the lovely ladies of this choice estaminet at the end of a remarkable pie-n-mash season.

Stattus

Trophy in the bag, it's time to pause, reflect and digest for this year's girthsome champion Mr Graham Darlow.

Second is nowhere for the stat's man; it's a gritted-teeth grimace of defeat snatched from the jaws of victory.

Knock on wood, Miss Jones — you are this year's lowest averaging regular. Those eyes must be closed in shame!