To gravitate to the lowest number of longitudinal degrees seemed fitting for this club as it zeroed in on its final lunch destination of the season. A modest muster of members materialised on a mid-grey, mid-May day to wrap up the final scores and to award gongs to the over- and under-achievers of 2018–2019.

At 13.06 we could delay our entry into Goddards Greenwich Pie Parlour no longer.

Wandering albatross Al Smith materialised as if by magic from the thronging touristic hordes crowding the pavements of this Royal Borough. His bare legs – a promise of fair weather to come – marked him out from the hoi polloi.

After recent disappointments in Kent, your statistician was glad of a ready supply of eels. The main plate featured a standard pie and the 'Banks' – a veggie option made from soya mince. The flavour certainly hadn't changed since I last tried it in the late 1990's - a decent substitute for the beef mince, with a slightly marmitey tang. Goddards are noted for their range of pies which you can scrutinise at their online menu.

A simple 2 and 1, with one bare bottom upturned and primed for punishment-by-spoon.

Some of our daintier associates [I include myself] prefer a side bowl of eels. If time is of the essence, one can adopt an ambidextrous alternate-shovelling approach [see middle pic above]. Highly-not-recommended with cold jellied eels and hot pies.

[Right] Terry Moore gets his eye in.

Mike G, under starter’s orders.

Two ladies enriched our company and elevated the atmosphere. Regular readers of this column will already recognise Kitty Lam and Sue Madigan.

For the former femme, this occasion represented a liquor-stained farewell to the Kingdom of Pie and Mash, as she packs her largest duffel bag and seeks out pastures new on the sun-kissed coast of California. Perhaps she'll spare us a thought when she's roller-blading down Santa Monica Pier.

A gut-level view of the action. The raised entrance to the room which forms our prize-winner's podium is visible in the background.

A pie-in-the sky view of the banquet table in Goddards’ back-end function room. Some unwitting foreigners wandered in, completely unaware of the pomp and circumstance to follow.

Ray Goldstone rounded off an exemplary season of full attendance with a celebratory bottle of beer. It was nice to see him relaxing in his suspenders.

Jeff Goddard stepped out from the heat of the galley to cool his extremities and have a jaw. On the subject of Maris Pipers he is as unstoppable as the in-house potato rumbler. In case you wondered, the waste liquid is sieved before it descends into the plug hole, ensuring the smooth running of the shop’s soil pipe – from the kitchen at least.

Doug Benford added interest to the scoresheet by taking a mobile phone call in session - an automatic penalty of 5 points. It cost him a three-figure final place in the table, reducing his total for the season to a disappointing 98 for 7.

After the substantial stodge of a Goddards main course, it takes a strong and stretchable stomach to sit for a steamed dessert. These people [above] took up that challenge.

Once all that was processed, spoons settled and scores scribbled down, it was time to dispense the motley assortment of props which comprise the Annual Awards of the Pie and Mash Club.

Quietly consistent throughout 18-19, Ray Goldstone secured our Third Place Bib with a tidy total of 221.

A popular underachiever, Sue Madigan scraped bottom once again, earning herself the infamous Wooden Spoon for the season’s lowest average from two or more meet ups.

Last season’s silver spooner sportingly slipped the orange ribbon over the smooth pate of this year’s second-placer, St@.

We nominated longtime associate Al Smith to pose with the trophy of triumph because in all his long years with the club – ploughing a steady course of one of everything – he has never earned himself a gong.

He accepted the Realistic Clay Pies Trophy III [seen here at a -90 degree rotation] in the stead of our three-consecutive-titles winner, Nick Everton, who could not be with us for the event. Two days earlier I was able to snap the champ proudly punching the air outside Castle’s in Camden, having established an unassailable lead with 9 attended meets out of 12. His triple-winning stat’s: 280 for 9 [2017], 289 for 9 [2018] and 281 for 9 [2019]. Don’t worry, he’s not an incorrigible poser – it was a pre-arranged photo-opportunity [although it is a trophy to be seen with out on the town, and a real conversation starter.]

[Above] The Goddards Crew.

In the middle is Steve, on his lunch break. During working hours, Steve is a blur of motion; a calorific meal of pie, mash, sausage rolls, mushy peas and gravy represents the bare minimum needed to keep him afloat during an industrious shift above and below decks. He told me he was looking forward to a 'normal dinner' at the end of the day.

 [Right] The Pie and Mash Club, Est. 1994.

The assembled clubbers then took off for the Plume of Feathers – a popular favourite on the other side of the park – for their farewell glass. In poor light and with a smudgy stylus, your correspondent inked the Wooden Spoon for perhaps the last time in its 25-year life with the inscription ’Sue Madigan 18-19’.

Cheers from map ref. 51.482° N, 0.001°E – is there a pub closer to zero longitude than that? Of more interest, is there a pub at zero latitude? Email us if you can answer either.

Cheers from map ref. 51.482° N, 0.001°E – is there a pub closer to zero longitude than that? Of more interest, is there a pub at zero latitude? Email us if you can answer either.

Yours meridianally,
St@