What festive cheer! Writ large on their smiling physogs, 'tis the joy that only ample portions of proletariat provender can bring. From the left: Cyril Goin, Rachel Evans, Ben Hayes, Edward Mosse.

Mais alors, qui est le francais? You might think the bereted chap over there has just got off an onion laden 'bicyclette' but non, tis this green-shirted individual who is the Gallic 'homme de terre'. Pie and mash is a module in his advanced English education, along with a well-kept ale and old episodes of 'Porridge'.

Richard Lucas computes the number of pies he has consumed in this establishment over the past 12 years. He's putting in an invoice to Clark's to cover the considerable man-hours spent chewing their food.

As the aerial shot shows, the stewed eel supply had run dry, so the big guns had to resort to 'jellies' to make up the points. As it happens these jellied eels were a deliciously firm counterpoint to the steaming plate of stodge that constituted the main course.

O dear Ed, did I forget to tell you that taking a 'phone call during p-n-m is points-deductible? Click here for details of this utterly fair rule.

On the far right is legendary photo retoucher Roy Flooks, caught in a pensive moment — I thought he added a touch of class to the whole shebang. Roy's challenge: to remove a whole pie from a plateful of hot food using a single horsehair brush for extra fine work. Only a true master can achieve this.

V is for Vittles, but whose is the Hammer Hand of Hairy Horror?

As Depeche Mode once crooned, 'The grabbing hands grab what they can, eels for themselves but none for us. In the pie and mash league, everything counts in large amounts.' Well they were from Basildon, and there are three pie and mash shops there.

St@