We arrived to find the gleam of Manze's tiles undimmed, and the wooden pews bulging to accommodate hordes of hungry lunch munchers. Some got there early. You could say the early locust catches the eel, but people would probably not understand your idiomatic collocation.

I tried to rectify by pie, but by my reckoning I would have needed to scoff seven to best Richard Locust's 30-pointer. Even the advertised fruit pies had run out, so the feast was purely typographic.

Rumours of Tom Leader's demise proved to be greatly exaggerated: though slimmed down and toned up, the man from the internet retains his monster appetite as this terrifying picture shows. Don't worry, the infant was spared from Tom's mega-mandibles by Manze's mash'n'meat comestibles, which are more easily digestible.

It wasn't all smiles though; here is Edward Mosse struggling with Manze's generous scrape of mashed potato. It's sheer torture without an extra liquor, as any seasoned pie-n-mash chaser will tell you. Notwithstanding the smooth sippin' straw, a fizzy drink only serves to stoke the gastric inferno. Let the green bubble man be a warning to you all.

St@