Take me home please
Clark's, 46 Exmouth Market EC1
Season 2011-2012

There were no surprises at the top of the league on Pie and Mash Finals Day 2012, but let us not underestimate the breadth and depth of Chris Charalambous' achievement, for his prodigious intake has gone spoon-in-hand with a 100% attendance record. A true champion will tell you it's all about being there.

Putting the 'larks' into Clarks on this occasion were two latter-day likely lads, Mike Goldwater and Edward Mosse esq. Will they look back on these photos in years to come and say 'What ever happened to us?'

Only time will tell, and that will not be told by the Clark Clock. Said timepiece has been stuck at 14.11 since time immemorial. Legend has it that a peripatetic horologist once offered to restore the Clark ticker to working order. However the rogue ticker tinker simply removed its fine old mechanical gizzards and replaced them with a cheap battery mechanism which lasted just over a week. Wherever he is now, I hope that stinker's got too much time on his hands.

Anyway this timeless scene was the primary reason for our visit . . .

. . . and these were the people who made our pie-dreams come true. Seen here: Pat, Eileen and Dave, who emerged from below decks with a fresh payload of tasty pastry.

Behold what verdant dreamscapes rose before us.

Eels hot and cold: respectively, fire and ice for Evans and Grice

Dashing young history editor Ben Hayes got stuck into a substantial serving of stodge, thus ensuring a comfortable Top Twelve finish in League 11–12.

For a former champ, Rikk Lucas's platter looked positively paltry, but it was enough to secure sixth spot. You'll notice that his neck adornment was not the customary Mister Pound Tie. A genuine – and somewhat reduced-in-size – 1968 MCFC scarf was warming Lucas's tonsils in preparation for the nerve-wracking conclusion to this year's Premiership title race.

There's something about the Club that attracts a City fan; here is another, Andy Potter. A tidy season saw him finish well ahead of old oppo Terence Cecil, the other City follower. Potter's tidiness usually extends to his choice of dickie dirt, and this shimmering blue paisley did not disappoint.

Andy came down from Hogan Lovell's with fellow colleague and legal eagle Lee Marchant to join us for a power-lunch. I believe they were scoping Clark's as a possible venue to celebrate the third anniversary of Hogan Lovell's Ulaanbaatar office in Mongolia on May 31. What a magnificent cultural exchange that would be.

Once again Chris Charalambous laid to waste all plates set before him. On this day Chris set an astonishing new record of 10 pies in one lunchtime. It'll be remembered ever after as the day 'Shadders' went decimal, and it's an achievement we may never see bettered.

Regular readers of this column will be aware of the occasional feature that is The Mystery Physog Competition. The prize is a superb meal for one in the dazzling company of the Pie and Mash Club. So here he is [see pic far right], pie-eyed and drunk on Ben Shaw's Cream Soda. If you can make a positive finger, send an email plus some form of verification to here.

It was not all guzzle, guff and whiskers in Clark's, as you can see from these glamourous grins.

Linda Holligan's mouthwatering meal was made the more deluscious with an anointment of chilli vinegar.

Whereas Christopher Fagg looked like a man with a dry gullet in a sandstorm. I believe 'the Enabler', somewhat parched, had just popped in to say hello on his way to the pub, but couldn't resist when a free pie was waved under his discerning nose. Who said there wasn't a dry pie in the house?

Mothers and daughters tuck in for health, vitality and beauty.

The Pie and Mash Club in animated action on the upper food court.

When the platters ceased to clatter, the awards were bestowed – in no particular order.

Wooden Liquor Spoon for consistent underachievement: Sue Madigan. Sue made her debut in Croydon earlier this year and has steadfastly refused to bow to 'pie-r pressure'. She's her own lady and we wouldn't have it any other way.

Second Place Silver Mash Spoon: Nick Evans, Club Statistician, Historian and Faithful Recorder.

Third Place Bib: Tom Leader. Yes that's not Leader, but Mike Goldwater nobly picking up the award in Tom's absence. It was a fitting finale for his first season, as the freshman face-filler finished fourth.

Mike and Eddie made a thoughtful 'special presentation' to yours truly for organising the season.

By the time the awards were dished out, the staff were taking a well-earned break. Here's Pat with apprentice pieman George. Every successful venture kneads fresh ingredients and youthful elbow grease, so let's hope they're paying the lad enough dough.

The Cheese Board.

Pie and Mash Arms raised at the new/old Exmouth Arms.

Only Statto and Gricey made it to the Jerusalem Tav for a refreshing farewell to Season 2011-12. What a year it's been!

To your good health and continued appetite,