Season 2009-2010DUNCAN'S; 365 Green St, Upton Park
ROUND 8
19.02.'10
PlayedEels
(4 pts)
Pie
(4 pts)
Mash
(3 pts)
Afters
(2 pts)
Liquor
(1 pts)
SumTotal
DAVID ARKELL66600856189
LEN WILCOCK51850455181
NICK EVANS81410225174
ANTHONY RUELLO60420224118
JASON SHARP70113
TERRY CECIL5087
BEN HAYES5080
EDWARD MOSSE7079
ALAN TERRY4067
DOMINIC MATTOS4067
RICHARD LUCAS4022011564
ANDY POTTER4061
LUKE ROBERTS3059
SCOTT CECIL3052
TOM LEADER2051
JONATHAN PHILLIPS3047
TONY CHUNG3039
DANIEL BOUQUET2034
GRAHAM DARLOW1032
BOB HOLLINGSWORTH2022011530
PAUL GRICE2030
PETER RILEY2022011530
ALAN SMITH2024
JULIAN HITCHENS1015
TED BLAIR1022011515
UNCLE JIM1015
JOE OLIVENNES1012
JOHN CUSHWAY1012
REHAN QAYOOM1012
THOMAS KRAFT1012
AUNTY JAN1011
JAMIE TANNER1010
JUDITH DESCHAMPS108

Exactly 52 weeks later after their first league visit, The Pie and Mash Wanderers found themselves once more ensconced within the cosy confines of 'Duncan's Traditional Fayre'.

We were greeted and ably served by the good-humoured and ever-so patient Joan, who I think was expecting another quiet Friday lunchtime. It was not to be.

Two representatives from Interior Services Group PLC were already sat up to the dinner table. Anthony Ruello and David Arkell pride themselves on keeping a clean plate and this day was no exception. Both look set to add incredible value to the company's share price, currently at 164.5p. (No change - look after the hafpennies and the pounds look after themselves).

ISGPLC would do well to take in the full scope of Duncans' formica, lino and striplight solution, which can be appreciated in this handsome wide angle photograph taken through an 'eel-eye' lens.

For the special camera work we must thank Ted Blair, whom we met for the first time. Originally from The Far North, Ted has been resident in East Ham for 25 years or so. It was a pleasure to greet him whilst committing 'delicious damage' to a brace of Duncans pies.

Ted's a notorious blogster of his travels up and down England in support of Darlington FC, aka 'The Quakers'. In between the stream-of-football-and real-ale-consciousness, he has already posted his own version of events at Duncans. [Read about it here; posting for Monday 22nd.] What celerity.

Talking of the Far North, Bob Hollingsworth looked like he'd just wandered in from Ice Station Zebra. One thing's for sure: the Duncans Pie is a real ice-breaker.

Len gives his pies an early shower . . . before himself taking a 'steam bath'.

On the right is Peter Riley, who this lunchtime had given his family the slip down in Docklands before absconding to Upton Park. His movements are a mystery for he is Riley, Ace of Pies.

A moment of self-eelisation.

The referee needs glasses.

EXTRA TIME ! ! !

David 'The Pie-thon' Arkell vs

Len 'The Gobfather' Wilcock

Len Wilcock issues a vociferous caution, but play continues. Arkell negotiates a tricky eelbone in the background.

Ruello tries to open his mouth wider than Wilcock but it's simply not possible.

Time to peruse the statistics and ponder forward strategy. Ruello brings his accountancy skills to the fore and improvises a ledger on a paper bag.

Then the bout reaches its dramatic climax. Wilcock adopts a belligerent stance, but he's still got a food mountain to climb to amass a potential 55 points. After a suspense-filled pause Arkell delivers the hammer blow; one more bowl of eels and liquor to put the contest out of reach with 56 points.

Plucky Len continues through gritted teeth, but his wrists have turned to putty and his spoon is way off its generously-proportioned target. The body language says it all!

After an epic hour-long duel, both heavyweights looked pale and drawn; one can only imagine the digestive processes continued well into the weekend. Careful analysis of the statistics reveals that Arkell's unusual winning strategy featured a high protein/low carbohydrate combination, whilst Wilcock's approach was starchier than Florence Nightingale's knickers.

Our trip to Upton Park proved to be an epic clash of titans, with Arkell and Wilcock soaring stratospherically [or perhaps just 'spherically'] beyond the 50 point barrier. We didn't think it was possible . . . it is now. I swear to you I never seen anyfink like it!

I nominate Pie and Mash for the London 'Lympics; come on Boris you know it makes sense!

Yours traditionally,

St@